GRODY!!!

I realize that the vast majority of you will be reading this tomorrow - after a good night's rest. However, it is to be noted that it is currently well past my bedtime.

Steven is, conveniently, out-of-town tonight. (He's working, but oh how I wish he were here to help!)

I was just getting ready to settle in for the night. I had put on my PJs, brushed my teeth and was turning on my bedside lamp to do my Bible reading before going to sleep. Just as I pulled back the covers to climb into my nice, big, welcoming bed with white sheets and a white comforter, I notice something yellow. Bright yellow. Neon yellow. Highlighter yellow. Surely my eyes are deceiving me. What is it? Did I have a momentary relapse back to the days of childhood last night and wet my bed without realizing it? No, I think I would have remembered that. Besides, the spot is too high - next to the pillows. I haven't been in, on or near the bed since I left for work this morning. What is it?

MAGGIE! The dog! The dog is always to blame. She was lying in her bed in the corner of the bedroom. She knows she's not allowed on my bed. Did she actually crawl up there and pee? Surely not! She wouldn't do that. I called her name. She looked at me with the guilty face. But it wasn't the guilty face of someone who had wet my bed. It was the same look I had seen before - several years ago. The "I'm sick, and I'm sorry I puked on your bed" face. So I looked at her, and she looked at me. I called her to come to me, and she stayed put. I decided to go to her. She looked sad. I picked her up, and she snuggled. Not a typical reaction when she has been naughty. Oh dear! A sick dog! Yuck!

What to do? I called Steve! (Last time, I called Daddy.) I woke him up and told him all about it. His response - clean it up and sleep in the guest room. Thanks, Babe. So I have stripped the sheets, the duvet cover, the comforter, the matress pad. And I did something brave - I smelled it. I realize this is gross, but I had to know what made her sick. It smelled like chicken. No joke! It really did smell just exactly like chicken bouillon. We don't feed her table scraps (besides I didn't eat chicken today), so she had to have eaten something outside. I'm sure that she and the neighbor's cat shared a bird. So nasty!

For the record, I did consider taking pictures to show you wonderful people. But then I considered what I would think if someone else posted dog puke on their blog... And so I have forgone the puke pictures.

Maggie has only thrown up twice since I've had her. The first time was many years ago. I hadn't had her too long, and she and I were in my apartment (before I had even met Steve). It was about midnight or 1:00 a.m., and I heard heaving noises. I woke up in that foggy, dreamy state to reach over and pat my adorable dog who had just joined me in my bed. Just as I reached out to her, she threw up. IN MY BED. It smelled just like bacon grease. I knew exactly where and when she had eaten it (not at my house). Ugh! I didn't eat bacon for the longest time after that. At the time, I assumed that she puked in my bed because she was trying to wake me. And now, six or seven years later, when she's feeling ill again, she returned to my bed. Why does she puke on my bed? At least this time I wasn't in it.

So now my sweet sleep and visions of loveliness have been interrupted as I wait for the duvet cover to finish its wash cycle so that I can throw in the sheets.

For all of you out there in Blogland, I wish you sweet dreams and restful sleep. And may your beds be puke-free tonight.

More Fun With SkyMall

I saw this and couldn't resist one additional post. There are actually positive reviews for this item. But as previously posted, where else could one get such a contraption? And the picture, it's just so comical to me. Enjoy

It Wouldn't Happen to Anyone Else

Picture it (as Sofia from the Golden Girls use to say {may Ms. Getty rest in peace}) July 29, 2008. Amy and Steve are hungry, what better place to go than our local Bennigans for the most delicious lunch special. They had a great deal going for a while, quite the selection for only $5 and that included the drink. Amy and I could both dine for $12. That fire sale suddenly came to an end one day, and now the only thing for $5 was their burgers. That's fine, they have delicious burgers, and we were excited to go partake.

Amy beat me to the restaurant by a couple of minutes and I was paying close attention to my GPS, as I had no clue where this particular location was. Suddenly my phone rang. Amy exclaims "Bennigans is closed and there are a whole bunch of people removing all the equipment from the building!" I tell her I will be there in a minute and we will find something close by. As I pull in the parking lot I realize to my shock that it does indeed appear that this location is no more. I quickly scout the area and see a "Bar and Grill" next door. It looks busy, a sure sign that the food must be good, so we drive over the the next parking lot.

On the way my phone rings and it is my favorite father-in-law. Because We Make Time I answer the phone and, I have to honestly say I don't remember what we were talking about, but I was into it. As I park the car and we make our way to the entrance a women in fishnet stalkings and a shirt that exposes her mid-section opens the door for us. I am suddenly overcome with a feeling of awareness. I'm still on the phone with Doyce, Amy and I find ourselves in a breezeway, and ahead looms very darkly tinted window/door. I think to myself, "Is it possible that this place is a place that perhaps an ordained minister should not be?" Remember I'm still on the phone, and at this point my end of the conversation has turned into some sort agreeing grunt every now and then to try not to be rude, but really I am focusing on the environment I have just brought my wife into.

As the door opens I rapidly look around to make sure that it is indeed mixed company, and that there are no poles or anything dastardly in the immediate area. To my temporary relief I do in fact see some young ladies enjoying what looks like a delicious lunch so I allow us to be escorted to a table. At this point I tell Doyce "I need to go, I will call you back later." The table Amy and I are seated at is very low to the ground, and our chairs are interesting to say the least, it looked a lot like this one, but much dirtier.

Once we settled into our interesting little chairs, and were handed a menu I took a moment to really look around the room and suddenly, and to my horror I saw it. "Amy is that a stage?", "Yes I think so!" "We have to get out of here!" and out we go. We had already ordered our beverages so I'm sure the waitress was quite offended that we left so suddenly, so if she should happen across our blog, "I am sorry."

We collectively decided the reason they were so busy and the reason for the mixed company was the very reason that we were there. Bennigans had suddenly closed and that was the only immediate alternative, although we found a delicious Dairy Queen right down the road and had a wholesome family friendly meal.

Later I called Doyce and explained the situation and why I was so distant during our conversation, he, as any good father-in-law would, found it outrageously hilarious that I would take his pure and wholesome daughter to such a place. Anyway on to the real news, its true; all Bennigans nationwide did in fact close their doors at midnight on July 29th of this year. Not only Bennigans but also Steak and Ale. We had started eating at Steak and Ale a little more often since our neighbor, the football star, conned us into buying one of those 'Discount Cards' to support the high school team. The Steak and Ale discount was buy-one-get-one, although I did not take into account the possibility that Steak and Ale might go out of business we did in fact get our money back out of the purchase of the card. Yeah another point for the consumer!

So it is, we will have to find another place that offers a great lunch at a great price. Do tell if you have any pointers, for now its Sam's Club, Whataburger, or home. Here is a fun video that came across the email. For your viewing pleasure, 'Those That Didn't Make the Olympics'

Have a great week!

HAPPY FRIDAY

Happy Friday, everyone!! I'm sure this calls for a song (and perhaps a dance as well), but I will spare all of you the agony of my singing. I must admit, however, that I can cut a mean rug if I get a hankerin'. Anyway, as I've hinted, Amy and I did make an impromptu visit to the City of St. Louis, MO last weekend. Like all of my plans, this was going to be a really easy, fast trip. Interestingly it wasn't to be.

Amy and I caught the first flight to St. Louis on Saturday morning. Just positive that we were going to be back in the evening, we locked Maggie away in her Pet Taxi and off we went. One thing leads to another .. woman on skates .. priest bearing Jesus .. penguins .. ah yes airport.

When we arrive at our gate there seems to be some upset people. And of course the flight is now oversold! Now bear in mind I asked the specific question prior to embarkation: "Is there a possibility of getting bumped when we get to St. Louis?" "Of course not, Mr. Norton. There is plenty of room. Go, and have fun!" came the resounding reply. Who knows what happened, but we were not leaving Missouri for anything on Saturday night.

Normally we would take this in stride and enjoy the wonderful surprise overnight stay at the local Holiday Inn using Priority Club points (ever the frugal one). But wait! Ah yes - Maggie! Sudden stress overcomes us. What will we do? I called every single friend I have who might be in Houston to see if they could go and rescue our poor dog. Nothing doing. Nobody was answering.

We have some of the nicest neighbors you would ever like to meet. There is one old man (who likes to lecture me about everything from lawn care to automobile operating techniques) that would do anything for us. But, alas, I don't have his number. I don't have phone numbers for anyone in our entire neighborhood.

So Amy and I get to the hotel and decide that we will search tax records to get the last names of our neighbors and then use switchboard.com to find their phone numbers. Wouldn't you know it? No one in our neighborhood has land lines. Not a one of them. Eeks!!! Just when we thought there was going to be no hope, we had a stroke of luck. Someone I left a message with called back and within moments was on his way to our house to rescue Maggie. Thank you, Chad!!!

Now on to the City. Since I'm now a blogger, I am always looking to capture funny moments in my observations so that I can share them with you. We no more than got off the train, and there it was - the perfect photo opportunity.

She is on roller skates - four wheels each. OH YES SHE IS!!! (We're hoping you'll hear Mary Murphy's voice in your head as you read that last statement - "Oh yes she is!") We were quite some distance away from this roller-skating mama (Thank God for telephoto lenses!); however, I do believe that she saw me snap the photo given the look on her face and the direction she is looking relative to her direction of travel. Oh well, it was worth it. How fun! Although I thought that actual roller skates had been eradicated from the planet with the invention of in-line skates.

So off we go to the zoo. We had a wonderful time (the details of which I won't bore you with, as we have all been to the zoo before). Amy and I particularly like this one though because of the way their exhibits are laid out. When possible, there are no cages. They have zoo keepers at nearly every exhibit to answer questions, and the best part is it's free! For your viewing pleasure, I have loaded a video of our photos from the trip. It's at the bottom of the post. Moving on...

Despite being bumped from our flight, there was some good news at the airport. Another great photo opportunity! I've mentioned before about the nun on one of my flights that was carrying a three-foot statue of Mary (the mother of Jesus) with her. It had its own zip-up Mary Cozy. Periodically, she would take it out, look at it and then put it back. I find that great fun! But I believe it was topped last weekend in St. Louis. Here we have a priest dressed in long robes with a bead belt.

He is busily looking for something in his large bag. As he was digging through the bag, he needed to remove a few items to make rummaging easier. If you look closely, you can see one of the items that was removed. It's just to the left, and it has a loin cloth. Let's take a closer look.

Yes -- there is no doubt about it. That is a Jesus on a cross - a really big Jesus on a really big cross - at least 24" tall. For fear of a public debate, I didn't share with this member of the clergy that Jesus isn't actually on the cross anymore. But this guy certainly believes that the bigger the Jesus on a cross, the safer he will be in the friendly skies. I was raised attending a Catholic church, so I kind of understand some of the stuff they do. But bringing such large relics on flights is really very funny to me. Is there a Catholic guide, I wonder? It must read something like "For journeys more than 1,000 miles take at least a two-foot Jesus. Between 1,000 and 1,500 miles take a very large Mary, and for over 1,500 bring whatever you can find that is at least three feet tall."

Anyway, lots of fun! Please have a safe and fun weekend. We'll chat later.

-Steve

I've been tagged

Here's what you do:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I was tagged by the Dolan Family.

here are my quirks (if you can call them that).

1. I hate anything that resembles a flying stinging insect. I categorically refer to all of these creatures as 'Bees'. I don't care if it is a Hornet, Wasp, Honey Bee, Wood Wasp. None of this matters, I hate them. My Dad told me when I was little that Bees were created half by God and half by the devil because while they pollinate, they can also sting. I find that very funny in retrospect. I was only stung one time in my whole life, but I was like two and I remember it well. I was making mud pies, and the pain was so excruciating (probably due to my young age and low tolerance) that I have since had the greatest fear of anything Bee related.

2. I once swam on a Special Olympics swim team even though I technically do not qualify. When I was in High School I was volunteering as a Special Olympics swim coach. There was an opportunity at the Championship Meet to swim 'Unified Relays.' In these relays the coaches alternated with the athletes on a four leg relay. It was great fun, and I'll never forget those times.

3. When I was 19 I fell for Don Lapre's infomercials (remember him?). Ahh yes the tiny classified ad. Once all the crap came, I excitedly opened it. I promptly realized it looked like work and suddenly lost interest. I finally threw it all away during our move in 2005.

4. When I was a kid I auditioned to be in the movie Free Willy. Naturally it was for the lead role of that little brat 'Jesse'. When I watched the first movie I so could have seen myself kicking the garbage can out of anger, and it not coming off of its little bracket despite my efforts. This was the first and only movie I ever auditioned for, but it was quite fun.

5. I managed to cause what almost became an international incident between the United States and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. While stationed with the Air Force in Saudi Arabia in 2000, I had sent some guys to pick up some Cluster Bombs from the cargo ramp. It was on a list of things to do, the Choleric side of me wanted the list complete. I missed the part where the said items to be picked up had not yet cleared the Kingdom's Customs Department. Oh the drama that ensued!

6. in the summer of 1999 I was hired to operate a speed boat. What a job! Every weekend I pulled water skiers, and knee boarders on Pineview Reservoir. The company I was working for liked me so much they kept me on in the winter to operate snowmobile tours. The especially funny part about that was that I had NEVER been on a snowmobile in my entire life. There was every intention to do a practice run, but we ran out of time before the first tour. So the day came and I loaded up a suburban with 6 snowmobiles in tow and headed up the mountain with nothing more than some pointers from my boss!

Okay now the part where I tag some other bloggers. Everyone I know on the blogosphere has been tagged except the Cherrington Family, and the CrazyCarlsons. It was fun to play this game. Thanks again to Valerie for tagging us, and coming soon fun from the wonderful city of St. Louis.

SPOILER ALERT: I have a picture of a mom on roller skates!! check back often.

-Steve

As Promised -- Fun With Skymall

Okay, as promised, I shall share with you all some of my most humorous picks from our favorite vendor - 'SkyMall.' For those not familiar, SkyMall is the collection of products found in a handy glossy-sheen booklet in your seat-back pocket whilst you're rocketing through the air at 3/4's the speed of sound. I'm not sure what SkyMall's business plan is, but my hypothesis is that it goes something like this: "We promise to provide the most absurd products on the face of the earth that absolutely nobody else offers and that nobody needs. We promise to charge top dollar for these products and make them appealing to people who have nothing better to do than stare for 3-5 hours at our glossy-sheen booklet. Finally, we promise to include small sections of legitimate products from legitimate retailers in small sections of our glossy-sheen booklet in a futile attempt to make our product line look somewhat valid."

Do you think I got it right? They have been doing something right. Founded in 1990, SkyMall is a strong company, but the stuff they sell... More importantly, THE STUFF SOME PEOPLE BUY!

Disclaimer: Please don't be offended if you personally own any of the items featured on today's blog. I'm sure it was a moment of weakness for you, or perhaps you had the perfect location in your home where simply nothing else would go. In those cases, I understand. For the rest of us, enjoy!

Here we have a cat litter box. This, as you can see, is designed to look like a fine piece of furniture from our friends at Pottery Barn. I don't think anyone would be fooled. The stench, I'm sure, would give it away. A normal litter box from Wal Mart, tucked neatly away somewhere discreetly, would better serve a household.

We all love brownies. Amy and I buy the Hershey's Double Chocolate Brownie Mix from Sam's Club (on the cereal aisle). It's very delicious. Amy and I are not big fans of the edge pieces, but here we have a pan that only makes edge pieces. I don't see how that is a selling point. I would be interested in a pan that could make brownies with no edges.
In case you want to start charging admission to your backyard, you could buy Mt. Rushmore in a box! I'm sure people won't notice the smaller-than-life size or the fact that it probably topples over in a good gust of wind. I can see it now - 'It's Rainy, It's Windy, I'm Wearing a Helmet, and My Mt. Rushmore Replica is About to Topple.'
Okay this is just wrong! Guess what it is. The answer is below the picture.
Yes, it looks like a wasps' nest. And indeed, it is designed to replicate a wasps' nest. If I were walking anywhere outside and saw this I would probably scream like a girl and then fall down very dramatically and then run as fast as I could the other way. I HATE ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES A FLYING, STINGING INSECT! Allegedly, this little contraption deters wasps by making them think another colony is already in town. I'm sticking with my wasp and hornet killer from Sam's. (They sell it by the case.)

Now we have lawn aerators that attach to your shoes. Just go to RSC and rent a real lawn aerator if you need one. I needn't say more.

For kinetic watches, we have a watch winder. Isn't the whole point to wear the watch and let it wind itself? They make a model of this that winds four at once. I ask you, is my hypothesis being proven true yet? Where else could you find a watch winder?
If the watch winder didn't do it, this will. Absolutely the most absurd product ever offered for sale anywhere in the world. This item was removed from the most recent glossy-sheen booklet (surprise), but when it was in there I would play a game with the flight attendants on long flights. I would call them and tell them they needed to go through Skymall and pick out the single most ridiculous product. I would inform them it wasn't the lawn aerator shoes or the cat litter box designed to look like a planter (you'll see that in a second). 100% of the time they nailed it. This was the product they chose, and I couldn't agree more.
I know it's hard to read while you are laughing. Take a moment. Now here is the description of 'Poop Freeze':

Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed.

Now the best part - here is an actual honest-to-God review, which... Well, just read it for yourself:

2 out of 5 stars
sticky, July 22, 2008 By jbhorsey from arizona (read all my reviews)
Pros: poo did not stink"Did not make "poo" hard, sticky, in fingernails."
Gender: FemaleAge: 41-45

Okay, please never pick up your animal excrement with bare hands! You wouldn't think that I would need to say that, but I think I do, based on the review from Ms. jbhorsey.

As promised, another cat litter box. Nobody is fooled by the planter. When the cat comes out of it, everyone knows what it is. Don't try to hide it.

This is just funny. As one of my favorite relatives would say, 'Cookie Diet indeed!'
And now look what we have here. Yes, another useless, space-not-saving, kitchen appliance. Just throw the dogs in the microwave, and toast the buns (if you must) in the skillet like everyone else. Don't' buy this. It reminds me in some ways of a Funny Ostrich. My favorite line from the movie Napoleon Dynamite is when the woman sees an obscenely large ship figurine that she could win for selling Tupperware. After seeing it, she subsequently exclaims 'I want that!'Have a great weekend!

Birthday Presents

Steve promised pictures of my birthday presents, so I will not disappoint.

Flat Iron Building

Wall where the "art" is hung so that you can view it in context.

Taxi cabs in Times Square

A look at where it hangs

My bedroom dresser and the picture that hangs above it

Steve's dresser and the plasma TV that sits on top of itMy new bedding and the sign above the bed

Steve also painted the wall behind the bed red for me this past month.

And yes, I know that I am very, very spoiled. Lucky me!!!

Thank you, Steven! I appreciate everything you do for me. I love you more than words can express. You are the most amazing groom, and I am the luckiest bride! Baby, you're the greatest!