Bathroom Noises

My husband loves the stories I tell when I emerge from the ladies' room. Women are, by nature, very social creatures. We do everything in groups, including visits to the loo. As a result, there is always a lot of chatter. As requested by my husband, I will share a couple of the recent stories with you.

The first took place at church. Our church is very large, and so are the restrooms. They can accommodate at least 40 women at a time. I was in the upstairs ladies room - on the third floor - the Sunday School floor. It's important to note that not everyone at our church attends Sunday School - only those who are serious church goers - those who desire to learn more about God - who really want to live a Godly life. Those who are just Sunday-morning Christians stay on the first or second floors and do not venture up to the third and fourth floors. So here I was, on a Sunday morning, just before class began, in a crowded third-floor ladies' room which was buzzing with giggles and chatter, when above all of the noise, we heard an exclamation of "OH S#^!" The entire room became silent. No one even dared to breathe loudly enough to be heard. It's church after all, and someone just uttered a completely unladylike expression in the House of God. After a few long moments of uncomfortable silence, a small voice said, "I'm so sorry, ladies. I just dropped my Bible in the toilet." After a few of the giggles and chuckles settled down, a more mature-sounding voice calmly and kindly inquired, "Is it the Bible you write in?" The reply came softly, "No, I dropped it in a puddle outside last week, and this was my replacement Bible." After a short pause, the mature voice replied with, "Well, honey, fish it out a' there. Throw it away. Buy you a new Bible, and this time get you a Bible cover with some handles so that you can hold onto it. You'll be alright." Seconds later we heard some splashing around, which I can only guess were the sounds of the poor dear fishing her new Bible out of the toilet. When I emerged and told my husband the story, I thought he was going to bust a gut. I almost had to pick him up off of the floor in the hallway. Every week since, he has asked me for the most recent story. There is always a story, but this one has topped them all for several weeks now.

My soapbox interlude: One of my pet peeves is when mothers think it's OK to bring their older boys into the ladies' room, especially considering that so many places now have family rooms and most especially when the dads are there and just refuse to take any responsibility for the kids. As I am not a mother, I am not exactly sure what the cut-off age should be, but I have been in the ladies' room and had women walk in with their sons who are as tall as I am. Seriously, if he's as big as I am, shouldn't he be able to wipe his own hiney? And if you're worried about a predator, if he's that big and doesn't know how to fight, enroll him in karate or something. STOP bringing him into the ladies' room. That just makes him a pervert and grosses the rest of us out.

That said, my next story is about a little boy in the ladies' room - a little boy who could not have been older than three. When we were at Ben & Jerry's in Vermont, I entered the ladies' room. There was a lady standing by the sinks who asked, "Is everything OK, Jared?" Suddenly one of the stall doors opened and out came the cutest little blond-haired boy who, while displaying jazz hands and a giant smile, loudly exclaimed, "Ta Da!" as he exited the stall. How cute is that?! Don't be surprised if you ever see Steve or I exciting a loo with jazz hands and a smile while exlaiming, "Ta Da!" We find this hilariously funny and now do it all of the time. Feel free to join us in our silliness, if you would like.

It is also important to note that womens' fitting rooms in department stores are also places that women gather and feel free to say anything. Tales from the fitting rooms to follow at a later date. (Although truth be told, my mom and I probably have caused more people to chuckle than anyone else. We act so silly when we're together. I may even divulge some of our tales.)