Saturday, August 16, 2008

As Promised -- Fun With Skymall

Okay, as promised, I shall share with you all some of my most humorous picks from our favorite vendor - 'SkyMall.' For those not familiar, SkyMall is the collection of products found in a handy glossy-sheen booklet in your seat-back pocket whilst you're rocketing through the air at 3/4's the speed of sound. I'm not sure what SkyMall's business plan is, but my hypothesis is that it goes something like this: "We promise to provide the most absurd products on the face of the earth that absolutely nobody else offers and that nobody needs. We promise to charge top dollar for these products and make them appealing to people who have nothing better to do than stare for 3-5 hours at our glossy-sheen booklet. Finally, we promise to include small sections of legitimate products from legitimate retailers in small sections of our glossy-sheen booklet in a futile attempt to make our product line look somewhat valid."

Do you think I got it right? They have been doing something right. Founded in 1990, SkyMall is a strong company, but the stuff they sell... More importantly, THE STUFF SOME PEOPLE BUY!

Disclaimer: Please don't be offended if you personally own any of the items featured on today's blog. I'm sure it was a moment of weakness for you, or perhaps you had the perfect location in your home where simply nothing else would go. In those cases, I understand. For the rest of us, enjoy!

Here we have a cat litter box. This, as you can see, is designed to look like a fine piece of furniture from our friends at Pottery Barn. I don't think anyone would be fooled. The stench, I'm sure, would give it away. A normal litter box from Wal Mart, tucked neatly away somewhere discreetly, would better serve a household.

We all love brownies. Amy and I buy the Hershey's Double Chocolate Brownie Mix from Sam's Club (on the cereal aisle). It's very delicious. Amy and I are not big fans of the edge pieces, but here we have a pan that only makes edge pieces. I don't see how that is a selling point. I would be interested in a pan that could make brownies with no edges.
In case you want to start charging admission to your backyard, you could buy Mt. Rushmore in a box! I'm sure people won't notice the smaller-than-life size or the fact that it probably topples over in a good gust of wind. I can see it now - 'It's Rainy, It's Windy, I'm Wearing a Helmet, and My Mt. Rushmore Replica is About to Topple.'
Okay this is just wrong! Guess what it is. The answer is below the picture.
Yes, it looks like a wasps' nest. And indeed, it is designed to replicate a wasps' nest. If I were walking anywhere outside and saw this I would probably scream like a girl and then fall down very dramatically and then run as fast as I could the other way. I HATE ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES A FLYING, STINGING INSECT! Allegedly, this little contraption deters wasps by making them think another colony is already in town. I'm sticking with my wasp and hornet killer from Sam's. (They sell it by the case.)

Now we have lawn aerators that attach to your shoes. Just go to RSC and rent a real lawn aerator if you need one. I needn't say more.
For kinetic watches, we have a watch winder. Isn't the whole point to wear the watch and let it wind itself? They make a model of this that winds four at once. I ask you, is my hypothesis being proven true yet? Where else could you find a watch winder?
If the watch winder didn't do it, this will. Absolutely the most absurd product ever offered for sale anywhere in the world. This item was removed from the most recent glossy-sheen booklet (surprise), but when it was in there I would play a game with the flight attendants on long flights. I would call them and tell them they needed to go through Skymall and pick out the single most ridiculous product. I would inform them it wasn't the lawn aerator shoes or the cat litter box designed to look like a planter (you'll see that in a second). 100% of the time they nailed it. This was the product they chose, and I couldn't agree more.
I know it's hard to read while you are laughing. Take a moment. Now here is the description of 'Poop Freeze':

Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed.

Now the best part - here is an actual honest-to-God review, which... Well, just read it for yourself:

2 out of 5 stars
sticky, July 22, 2008 By
jbhorsey from arizona (read all my reviews)
Pros: poo did not stink"Did not make "poo" hard, sticky,
in fingernails."
Gender: FemaleAge: 41-45

Okay, please never pick up your animal excrement with bare hands! You wouldn't think that I would need to say that, but I think I do, based on the review from Ms. jbhorsey.

As promised, another cat litter box. Nobody is fooled by the planter. When the cat comes out of it, everyone knows what it is. Don't try to hide it.
This is just funny. As one of my favorite relatives would say, 'Cookie Diet indeed!'
And now look what we have here. Yes, another useless, space-not-saving, kitchen appliance. Just throw the dogs in the microwave, and toast the buns (if you must) in the skillet like everyone else. Don't' buy this. It reminds me in some ways of a Funny Ostrich. My favorite line from the movie Napoleon Dynamite is when the woman sees an obscenely large ship figurine that she could win for selling Tupperware. After seeing it, she subsequently exclaims 'I want that!'Have a great weekend!


Valerie said...

Poop freeze. Someone is making money off poop freeze. What in the heck did I go to college for?

I must tell you, that Baker's Edge brownie pan has legitimately been on my Christmas wish list. I am an edge/corner girl all the way, and nothing sounds better than every stinkin' piece having edges or corners. Perfection.

Shannon said...

Hmm...your birthday is just around the corner. I might shall like to get you some poop freeze!!